When I said I was vegan he started maniacally chortling me and hit me with a pork chop. After wholloping him with a spatula, that I keep within my satchel for special occasions, I left and returned home, away from this hedonistic hoven of trickery.

Initially, when hearing that myself, my wife and my two young children were vegetarian, the owner acted jubilant and happy, asking questions, explaining how his Hindu traditions ensure that he is similarly vegetarian in certain aspects, particularly with animals such as cows, and how occasionally he spends entire days only eating rhubarb pie and tofu.

Delighted at meeting a non judgemental and wholly respectful waiter, we quickly ordered two vegetarian pizza's for my young lads, and a veggie burger for my wife and I. The food was lovely, the drinks were passable and the mixture of Hindu and Faroese music evoked the impression that this was an authentic Faroese restaurant, allowing us to feel immersed in the countries culture. After around half an hour, he sauntered out of the kitchen to collect our plates, and inquire if our meals were good, to which we responded with empathically and enthusiastically. He then began entertaining my young uns, asking if we'd seen any wild highland sheep on the road, and about how coarse their fur is, which delighted the wee ones. He then asked if, for eighty Krones more, they'd like to see a real sheep in the flesh. Seeing how my boys have grown up around farm animals, in the remote countryside of Northern Wales, and respecting the amiability of the owner, I wholeheartedly agreed. For sheep are like family to me, and I adore them, alongside all sentient creatures immensely.

After paying him in cash, he exited out of a side door and in around five minutes he brought out a real life, adult sheep.

For several minutes my lads doted and fawned over the beast, however, it all went awry when the owner asked if we'd like to be immersed further in Faroese culture. Foolishly we agreed, keenly anticipating a history lesson of the highest caliber. Yet instead all we envisaged was mania. Quickly, without hesitation, he took out a carving knife and slit the sheep’s throat, which didn’t slaughter the animal immediately, but instead made it screech a terrible song of agony. To subdue it, he then began stabbing it repeatedly with his knife, until its brown fur become matted and blemished with crimson pools of a blood red ichor.

I won't go into anymore depth, because already I am struggling to calm my nerves and because of the word limit, but safe to say it wasn't a pretty sight. It was grisly, sadistic and inhumane.

I'm not going to purport that this happens all the time, but once is too much.

I have a very sensitive palate. It's entirely dietary related, but because of it I can't dine on half the things I did in my youth. For example chocolate makes me hallucinate and froth at the mouth, duck raises my blood pressure and paisley leaves me with a resounding pain in my shoulders. So that's why I try to eat as warily and prudently as possibly, not straying far from what already established foods.

And I understand how difficult I can be as a client, so I always make sure to notify the waiter and inform him about my dietary requirements, just to make sure no unnecessary problems occur. Normally there's no problem though, and if it's a good I've eaten before like sliced cucumber or a veggie burger, I don't even worry since I've eaten them hundreds of times without when a grumble from my tummy tim.

So when I ordered the veggie burger, and found out to my chagrin that it had bits of chicken, some fork of garlic, chips and a single slice of bacon in it, I was gravely disappointed.

If you don't have vegetarian orders, or aren't willing to sell them, then don't delude your customers into believing otherwise.

The owner and staff were very insistent that I try and sample their dishes, all of which contained some form of meat, from chicken to pepperoni and so on. When I refused, informing them that I was vegan, the owner exclaimed "Don't worry saar, I have the cure just for you" and then rummaged through his apron, until he fished out several jagged looking accoutrements, which best resembled a spoon, spatula, fork and rolling pin. He then said that he was going to perform a "Brainal cleansing" whatever that means, and started ominously clapping his gadgets together while menacingly striding over to me. Naturally my courage balked and I fled before he could get his blighted claws on me. Call me a craven, but I believe I acted prudently. Anyhoo, I'd advise everyone not to visit if you are a vegan, lest you bear the brunt of mania driven veganphobes.

Stop vegan hate!

Just a heads up to anyone thinking about eating here. There's a guy who frequents the parking lot of this establishment, dressed up as a giant loaf of bread. If you pull over at the cafe, he either bangs onto your window until it cracks and shatters, or you roll it down, or he waits until you exit your vehicle, before attempting to purloin your keys and accost you until he sells a batch of scones of a dubious quality. On some occasions, I've seen him blocking wannabe patrons from entering the venue, unless they purchase a basket of scones, at an inflated price.

And the owner of Cafe Zorva does nothing to prevent this. In fact, I believe this occurs solely by his whim. He's a shrewd conman who comprehends that people shun obstacles, that the competitive drive of the European compels them to overcome any and all adversity. Thus, if they are rebuffed once from entering the venue, then they will inevitably return, only to be rebuffed and coerced into purchasing scones in this perpetual, conniving cycle of avarice.

And why is this done you ask? It's so people don't understand that the vittles sold here are sub par and even worse than the scones! In fact, if you look past the botted reviews, made by family members and Indian sychophants, you'll realise that this cafe isn't so mystical after all. Instead, it's insidious, wholly sinister and extolling the tenants of an order of Saracen like brigands and thieves!

If you don't believe me, then go to the cafe between 8am and 4pm. At 7:40AM, the man is let out of a sewer grate by the owner of this cafe to peddle his goods, he takes around 20 minutes to be given his basket of scones, and to don his garments and then he works for 8 hours, as previously mentioned. Afterwards, the owner herds him back into his pen, likely doing so to avoid the ostentatiously snooty businessmen who will complain and Faroese mobsters who will roughen him up for slighting the Islands reputation of Faroese hospitality.

Idk what’s going on in the reviews here, but like 5 of them are racist dog whistles. This place is great - they have a vegan burger and a vegan pizza (the only vegan pizza I’ve been able to find in Faroe so far). The staff are all really nice and helpful as well. It’s also right by the airport, so a good option for when you first arrive. Highly recommend!

Edited to add: turns out the racist reviews are one person with multiple accounts who has a weird vendetta against this restaurant. Some have been removed (like the one with AI images of Indian stereotypes), but a couple are still up, and they’ve posted two more in the last few days.

Updated from previous review on 2024-09-24

I read a few reviews online, and I was pretty satisfied after seeing that Cafe Zorva was unanimously positive reviews. And with a vegan friendly tag affixed, I knew I'd be in for a treat for coming here. Yet what I didn't anticipate was being harangued over my weight.

When I walked through the doors of this cafe, I was ushered to a seat by a waiter bearing nowt but a loincloth, and showed a selection of meals, all of which resembled relatively edible food. What I did notice though was a tangible paucity of vegan and vegetarian options. In fact, most of the dishes seemed to repeat themselves, with pepperoni pizza being listed four times, albeit with varying hues and prices. For reference, the blue pepperoni pizza was priced at the equivalent of 20 Euro's, whereas the pink pepperoni was only 14.

When I called a staff member over, who introduced himself as the manager and public spokesperson of the business, I inquired as to why no vegan friendly dishes were available. And to that, he began spluttering at the maws and mocking me, saying that no wonder I'm eating healthy because I'm so fat and am no more than a bulbous slug, with a gaping black abyss for a mouth.

Now for the record, I am average weight, and am not substituting eating meat for a weight loss plan, and to have a man who is a bit portly and a chubby chubster himself assert otherwise is frankly just arrogant and rude. I came here to eat a healthy meal, not be harassed for my dietary choices.

Just to preface this, I'd like everyone to know that DerekSparky is either the owner of this business, or affiliated with the cafe. I know this because he asked me to show proof that the owner was prejudiced towards Muslims and Pakistani's, and when I did, attaching images of some vitriolic and racially charged comments the owner of Cafe Zorva sent, I immediately had my review removed for being off topic, and received a gloating message from DerekSparky, typing in a similar manner to how the owner of Cafe Zorva typed.

Ignoring that unpleasant affair, I would not advise anyone to come to this cafe, lest they be mocked for their culinary preferences and be prejudiced against.

When I was served a punnet of strawberries, I inquired to the owner if the bowl and berries themselves were Halal. At this the owner began raving and ranting belligerently about how I was decrepit and maniacally inquisitive Muslims such as myself are not allowed into his store. Afterwards he struck me with a brook and I fled, with my derriere sporting several red welts over this Indian man's wanton and callous cruelty. Never again will I venture to this den of iniquity, for it is clear that his provender is not designed for a refined palate such as mine!