Most people experience some amount of anxiety when coming home for the holidays, whether it’s because you’re bringing home a significant other to meet the folks for the first time or you may not be on the best terms with a family member. Most people typically don’t think “dietary issues” would make a family gathering stressful, but for vegans this is often times the case. Having to explain to family members over a Christmas dinner ham that you have not in fact joined a cult and that this isn’t a clever way of getting out of eating your grandmother’s cooking can be tiring (tiring because you’re not getting enough b12? Your grandma might wonder).
I went vegan a decade ago, and at that time I was a very different woman. I had jet-black dyed hair, numerous piercings including a seemingly forever-infected nose stud that everyone mistook for a pimple. For my family, veganism was all a part of this “phase” I was going through: I was young and my appearance seemed to embody a youthful-rebellious phase for them. However, once the piercings were gone and I entered graduate school working a full time job, I thought that the joking on my behalf would subside once they realized that this is a part of my identity. Needless to say, this wasn’t the case despite being legally and financially an adult.
I’m not the sole vegan who has experienced this, in fact many vegans plan out a vegan Christmas dinner with fellow vegans prior to going to their family’s Christmas dinner. Of course, there is the gentle teasing that in part comes from the fact that many of your relatives will never see you as a proper adult, rather you’re forever a little child in their eyes who is forever in need of their guidance. With this in mind, everything my relatives say to me I take with a grain of salt. At family gatherings, my veganism is not only brought up but becomes a topic of debate with one defender versus numerous opponents like my grandpa, uncle, or random family friends that I am meeting for the first time.
The first thing that I tend to hear upon arrival at my relatives’ house is that they just mown the lawn and left the grass clippings in the fridge for me. My response to these comments (though in fairness, this comment has no malice behind it) varies greatly depending on my mood. However, at times I have witnessed malicious comments and actions taken against a vegan family member. One friend of mine claimed that her cousin fed her something she said was vegan when in reality it had meat in it. One of my more memorable experiences happened several Christmases ago, where my great uncle decided to share footage from his last hunting excursion in Alaska. At times like this, I almost feel like a line has been drawn between family members, but there are ways to address this:
Be honest with your family: Tell them the reasons why you’re no longer consuming animal products. When you speak from your heart people tend to listen (especially if they care about you). If you feel comfortable enough, you can even go further by talking about the ethical reasons why many people are becoming vegan. It might be hard to address things that go against your family or cultural norms and many people are quick to accuse you of preaching, but it’s family so they’re more than likely to get over it. Emphasize how important it is to you that you want your veganism respected in the same way that you respect their personal beliefs.
Make it clear that veganism isn’t an attack against them: Often times when I tell someone I am vegan, they automatically go into defense mode–family included. When telling someone I am vegan, I have actually gotten the response, “So you think I’m a bad person because I eat meat?” Most vegans are not born vegan. We become vegan, which means we used to eat animal products but had a change of heart. Do I think I used to be a bad person in my meat-eating youth? Not exactly.
You’re not destroying the culture in your family: Your family might have a fear of the possibility that their children and grandchildren will forget their culture after assimilating into another culture. It’s undeniable that food is a big part of culture, but there is nothing out there that can’t be made vegan. Culturally speaking, my past ancestors practiced many things that my family no longer practices; there are some traditions that were consciously discontinued, as they didn’t align with a new outlook on life. My family likes making decorative Christmas cookies to hang from the tree; the cookies are certainly not vegan. Not taking part in things like this doesn’t lessen the time spent with your family. Or maybe it’s time to start other traditions.
Make sure that you have dishes for everyone to eat: Whenever my close family friend comes over she avoids any vegan dish I put before her. She, like many people, has it in her head that vegan food is not edible. Vegans know that this is nonsense, because there are many delicious vegan meals out there. Make your favorite vegan desserts to share with the family to show how great vegan food is. Everyone likes desserts! Typically I will get guilt tripped that so-and-so worked really hard on such-and-such and that I was being rude to not eat everything. If you have multiple foods offered, it’s clear that you worked hard too and the hurt feelings were not intentional.
Generally speaking, when most people sit around the table with vegan and non-vegan entrees they cannot decipher between the two. Holidays, especially for my family, are very food focused–and if you want to keep the peace, ignore the comments being thrown at you by your drunk uncle because you know if it isn’t veganism, it would just be something else (the closer I get to 30, the more I’m waiting for the “so why don’t you have kids?” questions). Enjoy the holidays with your family and your delicious vegan food and soy eggnog!
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